What I love about John Gray is he's gone deep into the science and the biochemistry that happens in both men and women's bodies. Men and women were never designed to be the same. Our differences are there to compliment each other. When we can understand the actions we take in relationship to others, especially our partners, cause chemical reactions that either supports us and make us thrive or weakens our body therefore opening up to serious health issues we can then make better decisions in our life.
Men's testosterone levels need to be 10 - 30 times more that a woman's for her to be attracted to him or for him to be attracted to her. The difference is like north pole and south pole coming together like magnets. Women need to have 10 x more oestrogen than a man to feel attracted to him. There is a hormonal distinction that creates attraction.
Whenever a woman is happy and fulfilled there is a specific hormonal balance in her body that is almost the opposite of a man's. Her oestrogen levels need to be high and testosterone levels low. For a man, it is the opposite.
How our behaviours stimulate these hormones
Women just need to feel they can express themselves and this will raise their oestrogen. Men need to stay calm and not talk much otherwise it triggers oestrogen in him instead of testosterone. What he can say when he starts to get defensive is ‘I hear you’ and then he can go off into his cave. This is where he can build up his testosterone instead of staying in that conversation which will build up his oestrogen.
Women - Don’t tell men what to do.
Men - Don’t tell women what to feel.
Men want to fix it for a woman. Instead, try to connect.
Women - you want to improve him and make him better, instead focus on appreciating what he does well now. That is how people grow, for being appreciated for what they do, not for being punished, rejected or complained about.
How you can stimulate testosterone in men;
- If the man is talking and it’s true for you say ‘good idea!’ He’ll puff up. That is testosterone rising.
- ‘Wow, that makes sense!’ That’s stimulating testosterone.
- ‘Oh, that was so helpful.’ Give a man a chance to be a hero. Respond with appreciation.
These little things make a huge difference to men.
How you can stimulate oestrogen in women;
- Say ‘Tell me more about that.’ That is a magic phrase for men to say. Show interest and care.
- Say ‘Help me understand that better.’ She will love this because she gets to talk more about herself.
- When a woman is complaining about something, rather than talk her out of it, join her in it by saying something like ‘Tell me more about that… what else?’ Then when she’s settled down show your appreciation by saying ‘You do so much for so many people, let me give you a hug.’ Hugs are so key. Hugs will raise her oestrogen and oxytocin. These are stress reducing hormones. First, she needs to speak it out then give her appreciation.
Women don’t need Mr Fix-it, they need understanding.
When men feel they are being appreciated they just want to do more. It’s like magic power women have in influencing men. But as soon as a woman starts critiquing men by saying there are things they are not doing, men can withdraw.
If you’re starting to make health changes in your life how do you approach this with your partner?
Be honest and have clear communication.
"I don’t want to tell you what to do (that’s really important to say when you’re asking for something more), I’m wanting to make these changes. It’s hard for me and I’d really appreciate any support you can give me. If you want to know what that might look like I can tell you more if you want to think about that."
It’s good to always give your partner a buffer statement ‘I don’t want to control you, I’m not making a demand on you. This is what I would like and I can tell you if you want, but for me, I’m embarking on making some changes in my life and I would greatly appreciate your support.’
The wisdom for women - By overlooking little mistakes you win big with a man. By overlooking bigger mistakes, you win really big with a man.
How you give love to a man is appreciating what he does, but even a bigger way is to overlook his mistakes ‘Wow she is being so wonderful. I am so lucky, thank you God you brought this wonderful woman into my life!’
For a woman, she needs to feel safe to express herself, to make mistakes, to not say it right, to not be a perfect person and her husband still adores and loves her.
Men and women just need to learn the power of how to give that.
Bringing modern day men and women back into balance
John’s latest book Beyond Mars and Venus talks about each person has a male side and female side and what can be done to bring that into balance.
Whenever a woman needs to suppress their female side in order to express their male side, they get out of balance. There is a trick to get back into balance.
For women, if you’re in a job and you don’t love it, you will produce testosterone all day and go out of balance. If you’re not in a social environment where you can take care of people you’re not stimulating oestrogen and can get out of balance too.
In our modern day society, it can be hard for women to come back to their female side. As women go too far to their male side, they have difficulty coming back to their female side. That’s why things like talking about feelings, being heard, romance... all these things stimulate oestrogen in women and we need this now more than ever before.
For men, they need more appreciation than ever before. Why is that? Men are becoming more heartfelt, more loving but if their oestrogen goes too high then they get their feelings hurt easier, they get angrier, they are more sensitive, they get lazier easier and their testosterone goes down.
Masculine energy - spacious, cool, calm like a Kung Fu master. You have full confidence and clarity at any moment.
Feminine energy - expressing itself, happy about this, delighted about that, it’s a storm, it’s a spring day, it’s colourful.
A soul mate - where you feel comfortable to express all of who you are. Where you are free to find your own unique balance of masculine and feminine and have a partner where you can both support each other.
The key to better communication
When women are talking to men, it's better to focus on problems that have nothing to do with their partner. Say ‘I just need to talk about this, 10 mins max. I’ll feel so much better. You don’t need to say or do anything.’ Women have to instruct men.
If men need to talk about things that are really bothering him, go talk to another guy. When women feel that men are crying and upset about things women go into this mothering hormone and then she will loose her interest in him as a romantic partner.
Our Modern Day Health Crisis
There is a huge health crisis in today's world. This is all about our compromised immune system. If we can’t find love at home, our stress levels are going to be higher than anywhere else. If we can find love at home and in our personal life then our stress levels will be lower. That allows us to sleep better at night, wake up more refreshed with a sense of mission and purpose in our life and that’s where our fulfilment comes from.
Interview by Shawn Stevenson - The Model Health Show